


Living for yourself.

by Yui_Miyamoto



Category: Saiyuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on LiveJournal, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27127906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yui_Miyamoto/pseuds/Yui_Miyamoto
Summary: In Hakkai’s mind, the rain keeps playing tricks on him.
Relationships: Cho Gonou/Cho Kanan, Cho Hakkai/Genjo Sanzo
Kudos: 3





	Living for yourself.

**Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to the amazing Minekura Kazuya-sensei. I love Hakkai so here we are.**  
  
  
You loved flowers.  
  
On that particular Sunday at the park, I was sitting on the stone bench with my chin resting on top of my intertwined fingers. Leaning more onto the table with my elbows, you were only fifteen feet away from me, slightly down the grassy hill glancing up a tree.  
A little girl with pigtails and a boy in shorts ran hand in hand along the dirt path to our right as you reached out towards the lowest branch, wanting to the touch the tiny pinkish-white plum blossoms. With teeth smiling, you marveled quietly in delight at how soft the petals were between your fingertips.  
I slightly tilted my head towards my right while grinning back at you even though you weren’t facing me. Tiny beams of light shone through the eaves of the leaves, making the scene even more enchanting. Your long unbraided hair fell over your shoulders and the new long-sleeved, chrysolite turtleneck and white pants I’d bought appears amazing on your figure.  
  
If I could have painted it, that was our perfect moment.  
  
“How peaceful things are,” I’d thought. Suddenly without warning, our separation seized me, the memory clips when our parents decided to take each of us away.  
All I could do was sit there, being more grateful for this moment…  
  
You wave for me to come over, leaving our checkered tablecloth and basket full of food on the table.  
  
…but a rough wind blew through to tear the fragile petals and they showered over you.  
  
Maybe I should have paid more attention to what the trees were telling me because the next day, you disappeared.  
  
Click, clack, click, pitterpatterpitterpatter…  
  
“You shouldn’t have saved me!”  
The lightning boomed.  
  
In the frigid darkness, I held the blond’s wrists while looking down at him. His eyes flashed open before mine. Struggling, he wrestled around while trying to reorientate himself from the past into his current reality.  
This was not the first time I’d seen him do it, but I could no longer be a spectator. Even though it had only been several weeks since we’d left the temple, I knew for sure this volatile priest still hadn’t let his guard down around me. In other words, it was suicidal to even attempt to win his trust at this point.  
  
But I nudged his invisible, ironed gate anyway. In these few days, I’d noticed his nightmares too, like mine, occurred whenever it rained.  
  
Through the small glow of the room, with much protesting, tears fell down the sides of his face. The glistening on his eyes became more poignant.  
  
He stared at me wordlessly, the scowl on his lips mixed with indignance. Breathing hard, he was about to throw me off when I calmly said, “I promise I won’t tell.”  
  
I looked at him blurrily. Without my glass, I saw him clearly and hazily at the same time, my sense of depth severely distorted. Breaking free from his intensity, I let go and went back to my bed on the other side of the room. But I sat up with my back against the wall, just as I had before his outburst.  
  
I wasn’t stupid. There was no way I could’ve slept soundly.  
  
I couldn’t block out my ears to the noise outside. In my mind, the flowers in the park madly forwarded until I could clearly hear your voice through that muted mouth. Even when you held my knife, your eyes never left mine. 

  
_It breaks my heart to leave you._

_Will you forgive me for this?  
Will you forgive yourself after losing me?_

  
Outside the windows, the raining of questions pounded into the ground, ricocheting erratic bullets back into me. Not one missed their pointed mark.

  
You said you’d protect me.  
I know I made you that promise.  
Where were you?  
I ran here as fast as soon I heard.  
Why didn’t you come faster?  
I did the best I could!  
I fought that thing with all my might, but it was impossible.  
Even so, I’m glad that you’re alive.  
I cannot kill this thing inside me, but I must!

I…

Was this because we showed our sin in plain sight?  
Condemn us then, but don’t separate from me!  
You know I didn’t care what the world thought anyway.

You were with me.

We love each other so much, so why?  
Why do this?  
Why do you have to leave me alone?!

  
Covering my ears, I uselessly tried to protect my abused mind and body. But as usual, the rain didn’t care.  
  
  
**Living for yourself.  
By miyamoto yui**  
  
  
Life’s so strange sometimes. It likes to play your personal soundtrack on loop.  
  
I’m in an entirely different time and place, but one song, one smell, one slip of thoughts rewinds the clock.  
  
It’s been raining on and off for days now. The saltwater scent, the smoothness in the air, and the humming of the wind brings me back to that night Sanzo shouted into the emptiness, a provocative lapse into vulnerability.  
  
I keep driving, not letting on that I’m already feeling off.  
  
Growl, growl, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLL~!  
“Damn, your stomach’s even whinier than you are!” Gojyo complains as he grimaces that his is almost harmonizing with the same sentiments.  
“I can’t help it! The last place only gave us vegetable soup!”  
Sanzo’s eyebrow twitches. Holding onto his fan firmly, he’s a ticking time bomb about to smack them. I open my mouth to intercede when I see a darkened mound in the distance.  
  
The wind pushes Jeep forward. Normally I’d ignore it, but there’s a slight paralytic feeling, the kind that tells you shouldn’t but you’re going to check anyway. Stopping next to the chiseled form, we stop and I peer at the unusual sight.  
  
I get out of Jeep. The two in the back finally stop fighting to notice that I’ve left. Sanzo crosses his arms but I feel his gaze on me.  
  
Carefully circling around it, I realize it’s a youkai mother nursing a human child. The baby is sucking its mother’s breast as she kneels, hugging it to her chest. On her back is a single slice right through her back, her heart and the belly of her child.  
  
How did they get here? Is this a statue? Why are there no blood marks? Is it because of the rain? And what kind of blade can cut through bone so easily? Wouldn’t they have disintegrated already?  
I can’t comprehend why we would find this in the middle of nowhere.  
  
Is this a mirage or a trap?  
  
“Hakkai?” Goku jumps out and taps me on the shoulder.  
“Sorry, I’m just puzzled as to why they are here.”  
“What do you want to do?”  
Without waiting for an answer, Gojyo starts digging up a grave. “They should at least be buried properly.”  
Goku joins him as Sanzo comes out of the car. He leans on Jeep’s fender sighing.  
  
In silence, we dig and carry them together in the grave. As we transport them, I gain the courage to glimpse at the mother’s face: Translucent chestnut hair, smooth skin despite the aridity, an enveloping smile towards the child she’s protecting. Her ethereal visage enhances the tenderness within the massacre.  
  
My eyes open widely for a second as images overlap. I almost think it’s you.  
With a sideways glance, we place her inside the hole.  
  
While covering the hole, I feel the sudden compulsion to touch that child in its stained blanket. Its serenity baffles me, even with the hole right through its body.  
As usual, I watch the small body vacantly and turn around. Wordlessly, Sanzo’s already standing before them praying.  
  
The wind blows furiously for a moment and I block the sand from scratching my eyes.  
  
After giving their last rites in a grave that could have blown away in a few months, we walk back to Jeep.  
Goku asks as he sits down, “Do you think it was a youkai or human that killed them?”  
  
Confused at seeing no one in sight, it’s a blunder or deception. Either way, to me they were free.  
  
“Does it really matter?” I almost reply until Sanzo waves his hand dismissively. “Toss a coin.”  
  
But as we drive away, it begins to rain and I grip onto the steering wheel.  
  
**+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
  
“I wonder what we really envisioned Shangri-La to be?”  
  
The sun is on the tip of setting as the sand laps at his feet. His robes sway, flapping lightly from right to left as he stands there looking at the sun. The light simply radiates around him, glowing but fading softly.  
  
Goku and Gojyo take an afternoon nap in Jeep’s back seat under the shade of a tree. As if in a line, I stand between them, taken aback from the marvelous sight before me. Quietly, I fold my hands together not wanting to disturb Sanzo. My eyes rove around the scenery, the endlessness of heat interspersed with tranquility at the nearly quiet peak. The sand scrapes against our ankles.  
  
But my vision always returns to him. No matter where we are, my eyes never fail to wander back towards his direction.  
  
There are times that I simply hate him. Callous remarks etched with tinges of care. Knives jaggedly digging deeper into my flesh. Expressions that suffocate me and resuscitate my masochistic tendencies.  
Yet underlying it all is his integrity. And then I remember traces of my humanity.  
  
That is the power this man has over me.  
  
“Feeling philosophical today, are we?” I quip, making light of the situation.  
  
He closes his eyes and points his face towards the sky, hair flowing gently with the breeze.  
“You always like hitting the proverbial ball back to me, don’t you?” There is a smirk in his voice and I wished I was beside him to see his smile.  
  
I go back and sit on the hood of Jeep who squeals a bit as I stroke its metal surface before taking out a cigarette. After lighting it, my head lowers, letting Sanzo have his space, allowing me to retreat once more.  
Getting close is a dangerous offense. No matter how kind and loyal they are, my fear is a dormant, yet menacing shadow. Always waiting to strike, ready to betray my better judgment.  
I’ll lose something any way I chose, right?  
  
The scarlet orb falls slowly. Sanzo’s now peering straight ahead. Again, I can’t help myself as I gaze at him, that irresistible statuesque form, the heart that always appears to be unmoved though it’s as pure as Goku’s. His armor of scornful words doesn’t intimidate me in the least, but I turn away because you, him, and the sky’s tears are consuming me.  
  
I can fight when I know there’s somewhere to get to, but here…  
  
Sighing while lifting up my knee, I rest my wrist on it after getting another puff. This time, my eyes focus on the rolling sand making wild imprints, waving in its directionless path. But when I lift up my head, I jump up, alarmed.  
  
He’s vanished!  
  
Where did he go? Was he going to leave us again? He-  
After smashing the cigarette under my boot, I quickly jog to where he’d stood only to find he’s walking towards a cliff. I run to catch up to him even with debris hitting my eyes. “Sanzo-san! Sanzo-san!”  
But he ignores me as he hikes up a path and climbs up with his hands pulling the rocks. He just keeps climbing up farther with me desperately trying to meet his pace. At the top, he takes a deep breath.  
  
When we’re both standing beside one another, he says, “See what the rain left behind.”  
Below the valley is the most amazing sight I’d ever seen in my entire life. Off in a distance are bunches of lush trees in an oval. There are elegant canyons of every height in shades of gray, ash and orange. Dots of animals move around, hunting, loving, and retreat back into slumber. The boundless desert embraces traces of villages and branchless trees still reaching for the sun.  
  
Even here, barren as it appears to be from below, there will be life.  
  
His index finger reaches out towards me. I step back, without being aware of it, tears had fallen from my left eye.  
I avert my face away, but he catches my chin so that he can wipe the tears from my eyelid. My lips are a line, the blank mask somehow disintegrating back into the earth.  
  
I hate myself for it.  
  
“I will ask you again. What do you think we really envisioned Shangri-La to be?”  
“I…I don’t know.” That’s my honest answer, not the one prescribed as a place where man and youkai could live, maybe not in peace, but at least together.  
  
“No more lines to differentiate what’s what.”  
Humans can be monsters and monsters can be human. It doesn’t matter now, does it?  
  
“Here.” He rubs his index, middle, and thumb together, spreading my tears thinly onto his fingers.  
“My weakness, penance, or guilt?” I question monotonously, my body numbing into its natural defense.  
Staring me straight in the eye, he replies almost sweetly, “Imperfection.”  
Then, he takes out his gun and points it straight into my heart. Even when it grates into my ribcage, I do not budge.  
  
I just watch him palely, the truth spelled out on my face. How could he bring this out of me?  
Somewhere, through him, compassion still exists inside of my decayed soul.  
  
“I envy you.”  
My lips open a bit, shocked at his confession.  
“You have loved the most passionately. And for that you killed even more ferociously. Goku cannot help himself but inside his loneliness twists him. Gojyo lives on the brink between quenching a thirst to become whole but cannot be either.”  
“And you?” I gulp.  
“I live for myself. Nothing more, nothing less.”  
“But-“  
  
I close my mouth as his profile stares back at me. With half-opened eyes, somber lips, and a contemplative expression as he looks at my tears on his fingertips again, I catch my breath. He places his gun back into his robe.  
  
As Sanzo walks past me to go back down, I grab his arm so that he’d face me. Watching me without moving, he doesn’t say a word. I’d expected that…  
  
We are making our way back to Jeep and the others, but he slows down to take a cigarette out. The lighter’s flame gleams briefly on his handsome face, but it is as cold as ever. Taking a long drag, when I am a little closer to him, he reaches out for me. Without even glancing back, he grabs my right hand. I swat him away and resist, but he tightly catches it and refuses to let go.  
  
Chuckling a bit, he comments with his back towards me. “I’ve always known why you said she liked your hands.”  
  
I take a long deep breath, feeling like the wind’s hugging me.  
  
My ears are playing tricks on me because I thought you were giggling right next to me. Why tease me now, Kanan?  
  
_Even through the tears, there’s still the flicker of triumph in your eyes as you stabbed yourself.  
_

_  
“I won’t ever give up  
so don’t let anyone take who you are_

_because we’ll both win  
for you are my Truth._

_Don’t forget, Gonou.”  
_

  
My feet immediately freeze as the blocked memory bursts and floods out its bloodied locks. Putting my left hand over my mouth, I lean onto his warm back, pressing my head into his burning skin. He then intertwines our fingers, holding onto my hand more fiercely than ever.  
  
Taking another drag of his cigarette, he glances up into the sky once more.  
  
“You finally realized she wasn’t disappointed in you?”  
  
Shaking, I hold onto his robes as my tears spill into them.  
  
We stand there a bit longer until the iris sky becomes royal blue.  
  
**+/+/+/+/+/**  
  
Later that night in an inn, I walk into the room with a towel over one ear. Closing the door as he’s searching through his bag by his bed, I call out, “Sanzo-san?”  
“Mm?” He grunts as he turns around, finally unguarded.  
  
Or so I think.  
  
I pull his collar, but he catches my arm and throws me to the floor. Sitting triumphantly on my stomach, he looks down at me smugly. For the first time in forever, I begin to laugh wholeheartedly. I’ve almost forgotten what this sounds like.  
  
The pouty beauty looks at me with feigned annoyance until I quiet down. I know it will be a very long while until he’ll let me closer into his inner sanctum, that private space in between his complex thoughts.  
  
Raising my hand, I touch the back of his head, feeling the softness of his hair on my palm. “Thanks.”  
  
“You…” My fingertips lower to push onto his neck, pulling him towards me and whispering into his ear, “…keep living for yourself.”  
  
Kissing him, I graze my tongue over his while smiling. He pulls back for a second, giving me a mischievous grin before lowering his head again to continue. Running his fingers through my hair, tears begin to stream down, but before they touch the ground, he licks them away…  
  
I was correct to follow this man.  
  
**Owari. / The End.**

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this fic rolled in my head for weeks and then grew longer and longer until I became satisfied with all the parts.  
> There’s something about Minekura-sensei’s manga that grips my heart. My favorite is actually Wild Adapter, but I’ve finally ventured into reading Saiyuki. (It’s been more than 15 years since I’ve seen the anime, and even then, just a few episodes.) And while figuring out what to write (while editing for Hikaru no Go and Arrietty), this popped out to me.  
> Hakkai has always been my type of character, but I guess in this story, I love them all, just him a little more (along with Goku). When I was younger, I did not like Sanzo, but grew to love him as well.
> 
> I hoped you enjoyed it.
> 
> Love,  
> Yui


End file.
